It Takes Courage To Grow Up and Become Who You Are

Grammar Rant

2010-05-12T16:28:00.000-07:00

"I" verses "me"...How to choose?
When listing yourself with someone else, take out the other person's name to see which one fits the sentence.
For example: "Ernie and I danced with the pigeons yesterday" works as "I danced with the pigeons yesterday" but doesn't work as "me danced with the pigeons yesterday".

However, it is not always correct to replace "me" with "I".
For example: A caption under a photograph that reads "Bert and I, waiting for the train" doesn't work when it is "I, waiting for the train" but does when it's "Me, waiting for the train" (note the important use of comma after the noun).

Make sense? Good. Now do it!

Lent

2010-02-18T12:40:00.000-08:00

I received this email from a dear friend of my mine a few days ago:

"Whereas this is the Year of Awesome
And
Whereas you and I are not so much church-going folk
And But Also
Whereas you and I were raised in super-churchyness. . .

What do you think is a really healthy-in-balance-with-your-center thing you will do for Lent this year?

This could be so awesome.
Something wonderful.
Something so lovely. . ."

And, naturally, her call to action got me thinking.
Pre-year-of-awesome, Lent = deprivation, guilt, "should", general woe.
Naturally, I became so overwhelmed with these blergy feelings that I gave up Lent (and well, let's be honest, religion) all together for the last few years.
But, in the YOA, I don't suppose it has to be that way at all, does it?

I did some very academic (read, not very academic at all) research on the internet and decided that this year for Lent I will spend the 40 days that lead to Easter (for all of you "heathen" readers who don't know what Lent is, that was your clue) finding ways to integrate the 3 central virtues of the Hindi tradition into my daily life by practicing Compassion, Self Control, and Charity.

I know it seems like a tall task but I think I'm up to it and what's more, I'm invigorated by it. Surely, this process will bring me more in touch with my humanity and I'm pretty sure that's the whole point. Isn't it?!

Ideally, I'm going to keep track of the journey: Perhaps on this blog, or in my YOA journal. Regardless, I'll be sure to report my experience back to my faithful reader(s).

In the mean time, I challenge you: think of ways you can make your life's journey (be it religious or not) over the next 40 days more intentional.

"What ever you can do or dream you can BEGIN IT. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it!" -Goethe

Happy Reading.

~Phoenix

Santa Drives A Scion

2009-12-21T15:19:00.000-08:00

The last few months have been a bit rough on me an my beloved. There have just been too many deadlines to meet, requirements to feel pressured by, scheduling conflicts to navigate, crossed signals to unravel, reports to write, programs to coordinate, concerts to sing, end-of-year gatherings to attend, students to advise, assignments to read, cards to send, gifts to purchase and wrap, disappointments to attend to, and stressors in general.

In our home, the chaos of the holidays is only compounded by the fact that both my partner and I are bringing the most ridiculously busy time at both of our jobs to a close. He, finishing the billable and then business year. And me, welcoming, orienting, teaching, advising, programming, and planning ahead with a seemingly un-ending stream of students.

Yep, by the time Thanksgiving rolls around we're both usually just about ready to throw in the towel. But that is never what we get to do. Instead, we celebrate his birthday and turn the corner into an up-hill race against time that persists until the end of the year. We, though I'm not sure how, add MORE. Each thing as lovely and exciting as the next -- in their own right. But, when compounded they make our combined day-timers read like the who's-who of "you'll never get a good night's sleep, ever again". As a result we have less time together, less time to connect, to rejuvenate, re-cooperate, enjoy the holiday season as a couple. Not to mention less time to sleep, eat well, or exercise. We become the King and Queen of divide and conquer. DOing but not BEing.

So, it should come as no surprise that this weekend while in the car with my partner, amidst the hustle and bustle of holiday preparations and concerts, that we were admittedly stressed and bickering as a result. I can't really remember the details of what we were discussing other than we were vowing to ourselves (as we always do this time of year) to do LESS at Christmas. I was surely on a rant that NO one would care if we didn't send a card, or starve if we didn't bring cookies. He likely chimed in to remind me that the nieces and nephews will be showered with gifts regardless if we send ours and that our spirits will be bright with or without an 11-foot tree in the living room (yep, you read that right, e-l-e-v-e-n feet!).

Yes, we finally agreed (and boy, wasn't that refreshing?): we'll do less at Christmas. No weekend of choir concerts to sing, no 1100 cookies to bake, no mountain of cards sent near and far, no shopping marathons, no shipping gifts all around the world. None of it. We'll re-invent Christmas. We'll make it work for us. We'll divorce ourselves from Christmas as a "season of expectation" and make a new season of survival and (maybe, just maybe) periodic joy.

It was in that quiet moment of scroogy-sanity as we sat at the stop light that I glanced out the passenger window. There, in the car next to us was Santa Claus himself. No fake beard and dated polyester suit here folks! Nope, HE was the real McCoy. Wearing a red beret and a fleece vest and driving a Scion: Good Old Saint Nick. Apparently he's given up the sleigh for the new boxy-but-trendy rig (better MPG and comes standard with GPS). He moved from the North Pole to Salem (better weather and proximity to Ms. Claus' family). And, well the red suit lined with fur isn't "Northwest chic" so, he opted for the beret and vest: tre Oregon! This little moment brought me such joy amid an otherwise bleak December evening that I just had to share it with you.

So, if you're feeling the disappointment of the holidays and stress of the end-of-the-year, I encourage you to re-write your rules. Choose joy. Decide what you want and begin it. I've decided to say a less than fond farewell to 2000-and-sucked-my-ass. And, hello to what I've decided will be 2000-and-awesome (the year of awesome according to the Chinese calendar).

If you don't get a card, cookie plate, or gift from me next year, please don't take offense. If you come around and see no decorations, please don't assume I'm next festive. Rather, take solace in the fact that I didn't run myself ragged trying to make Christmas *magical* all the while missing all the magic around me: running through lighted neighborhoods, the occasional egg nog latte, singing carols with the radio, baking with my mom, giving to charity, spending a quite moment with my partner.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all. Oh, and keep your eyes peeled for Santa, his Scion is silver and I'm sure he'll bring you just as much joy as he did me - if you're ready to receive it.

Happy Reading!

~Phoenix

Oh dear! We missed August.

2009-09-09T17:38:00.001-07:00

Tragic when one forgets a whole month, isn't it? I did, however, have a good excuse: work.

Life's been busy here in my neck of the woods but all-in-all things are going well. August brought with it the standard-issue chaos of orientation and the start of the school year. In addition, the Cap'n and I worked feverishly on our "remodel" during which we re-vamped (read: got rid of all the old college furniture) our spare room/office. It looks just dandy now and we've moved on to our bedroom. We've got new end stands and a big-kid dresser! Next, is a face lift for the bed and bath. Bit by bit we'll get it all done and I can't wait! Our goal (well, my goal, but he's pretty easy-going...so his goal, too) is to have the whole house done by the end of the calendar year. I'll post pictures when we've completed the whole project. Or, you can visit my Facebook site to get a sneak-peak at the spare room.

It has been fun to purge the old stuff and subsequently pick things that are truly "ours" both in style and ownership. It has also been cathartic to clean out so much of the stuff we've amassed over the last 11 years that we neither need nor want (no offense mom, those window clings from 1999 were FAB at the time, I just don't think Pooh Bear sliding on a snowflake says "We're adults without kids").

So: we purged, and purged, and purged...and are even still purging. I swear, I'm not a pack rat. And yet still, I have spent hours sorting through stacks of cards, notes, pictures, movie stubs, binders of notes from not 1, not 2, not 3 but 4 degrees, stuffed animals, costumes, scrap book supplies, decorations, and (for reasons unknown to me) an entire box of beige and cream tap-top curtains.

Now that we've purged, however, I've run into a bit of a dilemma as to where to keep the things that "don't go" in the house. For any Friends fans out there, you'll relate to the fact that the closet in which all-of-the-above resided was very similar to Monica's closet in which she put all the things that didn't "go" or couldn't be organized into another place in her apartment. The Cap'n used to refer to this closet as "purgatory" a place were things would go to live for a while before we'd either throw them out or find a place to keep them permanently.

And, over time we not-so-lovingly dubbed this closet the "high emotion closet". Why? Well, because venturing into the closet for even the most simple of tasks (e.g., getting a greeting card) would inevitably result in needing to nearly unpack the whole damn thing just to get to what ever it was you were there for in the first place. Over time I eventually began to avoid the closet. I even refused to decorate for Christmas the last 2 years because it would require unpacking and re-packing the closet. Ridiculous? I think so!

The problem with making the high-emotion closet a more pleasant place to be is that I have now lost my fall back spot to shove stuff that I don't know what to do with. For example: the Cap'n's trophy from the annual high-school-friends golf tournament. Where the hell does that live now? I'm tempted to put it in a neatly labeled box that reads: Trophies. But, more fittingly it should really just read "trophy" as that is our only one. My best solution? "Take it to the office!"

Happy reading!

~Phoenix

Maybe she's born with it...'cause it sure as hell wasn't Maybelline

2009-07-25T06:59:00.000-07:00

Do I look thinner to you? Lighter? Maybe like I'm missing some extra tissue? Not so much here, or here, but maybe, down here?

...No? Really? Well that figures, I suppose you'd have to look a bit too closely for both of our comfort to see that I am now the proud owner a of a uterus with a single cavity.

Confused? Yeah, so was I. So were most people. Let's just say I was born with it.

After a year and a half of active trying to conceive a child (only to realize that perhaps we were rushing that process and we may not even really want children of our own) I was diagnosed (after seeing 7 different medical specialists not to mention trying any number of crazy or outlandish tricks, methods, suggestions, prescriptions, etc. (see my post from June for more details)...I digress...I was diagnosed with having a uterine septum. Wha? Erm, WTF is a uterine septum, one might ask. You know the piece of cartilage that separates your nostrils. THAT is a septum. Crazy, right? Yeah, me and only about 2% of the female population have one. Lucky me. So, the septum in my uterus was not made of cartilage, but rather extra tissue that never dissolved as it was supposed to in my 20th week of gestation. Yep, you read that right folks. MY 20th week of gestation. Meaning: I was born with it. For shits and giggles, I've been blaming my mom for this one. That makes her feel groovy!

So, what does one do with a septate uterus? Use the extra half for storage? Keep on trying and hope for twins (one to a side?). No, no, surely not no. One has two choices. Neither are to continue trying to have a baby and hope for the best (well, I guess that is a choice, but from the information I got (specific to my septum) that was not a wise choice. The two choices are to 1. Have it removed or 2. Don't have it removed. Option 2. sucks, BTW because it means I continue to have the symptoms and other problems I've been having...for example 20-28 day periods (yes, you read that right too, not 20-28 CYCLES. Nope. That'd be "normal". My bleeding lasted for 20-28 days. Yum! So, we opted to have the sucker removed. That's what I did yesterday.

My very own personal nurse (AKA: My older sister, Teed) arrived late Thursday night ready to help and support my uterine resection (that actually is the technical term). For funny, she brought me these: HA! We woke early and arrived to the hospital a bit after 6:30am. I got checked in and set up in my pre-op bed. I was asked my name, date of birth, and reason for my visit roughly 8,942 times. And, right around 9:15am they wheeled me off to surgery. On my way, I was narrowly run-in-to by a large cart carrying a load of empty boxes (ah, for comic relief). The kind, adorable, and totally "Portland" anesthesiologist mixed me a lovely little cocktail and I was off to the land of Zzzzz's. In they went, out it came, and next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room. That was probably the worst part, I started to come-to and loathed having that oxygen mask on my face but as I tried to regain enough consciousness to removed the mask myself the cramps and pain set in. Opting for groggy over in-pain. I dosed for a moment until a nurse arrived to offer me some IV meds. YAY for IV meds! That took care of the pain and before I knew it I was in my own clothes and being wheeled to my partner (AKA: Cap'n Handsome)'s car.

We arrived home and I got a heating pad on my belly, a bagel and some thai food in my belly (YAY for a reason to eat all the carbs I want) and then took a nap. As the day progressed on, I felt better and better. Sadly, my troops (Teed and the Cap'n) were fading fast, as they didn't have the luxury of a medical induced coma as a mid-morning nap. Pity, isn't it? So, we shuffled off to bed early and I woke up a bit early to do some little chores (re-arranging the pictures and cards on the fridge counts as a chore, right?) (and so does blogging?) and I'm excited for a day of visiting with my favorite sister (no offense to my 5 sisters-in-law, but she gets that title, she's earned).

In a few days I'll return to my gentle and quiet surgeon to have the balloon that is currently occupying my uterine cavity (to prevent the walls from sticking to one another as they heal) removed and in a few months I'll have a follow up ultra-sound to make sure they've removed all of the septum and that I have a healthy amount of cells in my ovaries. After that, we've decided to wait on the kid-factory. I need at least a year to recover, mentally, from this whole ordeal. I've been in and out of doctor's offices for the last 2 years. I've gone through (or rather, put myself through) a lot of tumalt and strife about the whole "baby having" issue and before we consider trying again, I really need some "I feel healthy, I'm not crazy, Life can be normal" time. So, that's exactly what I'm going to have.

So, my truthful and not flippant answer to anyone who asks if "we have kids" "plan to have kids" "are trying" "have thought about having kids" or "thinks we're ready to have kids" is...talk to me on my 30th birthday. October 1, 2010 is when I'll be ready to talk about that with someone other than my partner. No offense, no snarky-ness, no issue. Just, ask me in October 2010, K? Until then, you can find me enjoying life with my partner, working in my chosen profession, soaking up time with my family and friends, relishing in the birthing and growing up of my nieces and nephews (all of them, blood related or not).

So, there you go. That's what I've been up to these days. Right now, I'm enjoying the fact that the sun if pouring through the kitchen windows (highlighting my lovely refrigerator arranging work) and that I can hear the water fountain outside. I'm looking forward to spending time with my sister today and can't wait for what the next year will bring for me and the Cap'n. Hopefully, it will be a year full of nothing. No houses, no babies, no pillows propped under my hips after sex, no disgusting Chinese herbal teas, no abstaining from drinking alcohol, no self-doubt, no timing sex, obsessive temperature monitoring, no discussions about cervical mucus.
Just a regular old year. Ahhhhhhh! Can't wait.

My Year In Maybe's

2009-06-19T10:30:00.001-07:00

This month's blog: a stream of thoughts, maybes, what ifs, if onlys, etc. from my last year. It is my first attempt at a "slam poetry" type thing.

Happy reading!
~Phoenix

Maybe I should...
Gain weight? Loose weight? Exercise more? Exercise less? Drink this weird-disgusting-nasty herbal tea? Drink less alcohol? Drink less caffeine? Drink more water? Drink from only a straw? Eat more carbs? Eat less carbs? Eat different carbs? Forget about carbs all together? Have more sex? Have less sex? Wrap my legs around my head...After sex? Before sex? During sex? Relax? Chill out? De-stress? Do more yoga? Stand on my head? See a Dr.? See a different Dr.? See a naturapath? See an acupuncturist? See a surgeon? See a therapist? See a chiropractor? See a specialist? Stop seeing Doctors all together? Go back on the pill? Take this other pill? Take this handful of pills? Stop taking pills all together? Eat red meat? Go vegan? Stop eating soy? Add fats? Go totally organic? Chew only on the right side of my mouth? Adopt? Have dogs? Move to Bermuda? Seek a surrogate? Work more? Take my temperature at a different time? Check my mucus again? Stop checking my mucus? Throw away the Basal thermometer? Pee on another stick?

What if...
I'm really sick? It really IS all in my head? This never goes away? He leaves me? She calls to tell me shes pregnant? I always have to work the late shift? I caused this? I could change this? I am controlling this? I'm not meant to have kids? I'm supposed to be a career woman? I'm destined for something else? I have cancer? A tumor? A virus? An infection? An unformed twin? We bought stock in Kotex?

If only...
Someone would really listen to me! People would stop asking if I had kids! I could get-a-job-to-get-insurance-to-figure-out-whats-wrong-and-fix-what's-wrong
-to-get-pregnant-to-leave-the-job-to-raise-a-family! If we had socialized health care! Strangers would stop telling me about the way THEY got pregnant! Others would stop telling us that "we're ready" for kids! I could just stop thinking about this! I could feel normal for one month! I'd been a more informed teenager! My sister lived on this coast! I had a different schema for the age you are "supposed" to be to have kids! We'd of known how hard it was to get pregnant...we'd of had more sex in college!

You have GOT to be kidding?!

2009-05-14T17:28:00.000-07:00

Here's a quick list of pairings from my life that I think are funny, ironic, interesting, etc. ...

1. Zit cream and under eye cream
2. Resentment and gratitude
3. Tears and laughter
4. Beer and ice cream
5. 10 hour work days and health insurance premium payments
6. A uterus and... WTF another uterus?!
7. Prenatal vitamins and wine
8. Liberal arts education and office work
9. Exhaustion and sleeplessness
10. Hummus and pretzels

Hope you are able to enjoy some sun today!

~Phoenix

April needs a blog!

2009-04-17T14:08:00.000-07:00

Hi friends. Let me start with an apology for my wholly rotten mood in the month of March. YOW-ZA! Was I crabby or what? I appreciate the opportunity rant and carry on like I did.

So, April needs a blog, yes? Let's see, about what should I write? I tried this exercise with my students last year and it was pretty cool. Let's see how you like it? In the headlines of my life here's what is new:

"Blatant Disregard for Travel Warnings and Recession: Couple Scheduled to Celebrate 5th Wedding Anniversary in Mexico"

"New Niece Born, Family Totals Tip Scales at 14 Nieces and Nephews"

"Baby Boom! Little Girls Popping Up and Out of Friends Near and Far"

"Planned Trip to Montana for Education, Relaxation, and Time with a Dear Friend"

"Partner Assigned to Steady Job, Bored but Thankful"

"Burning the Candle At Both Ends: A Woman's Guide to Working Three Part-Time Jobs" (with advertising sponsored by Subaru)

"Reclaiming the Middle Ground: An Exercise in Reestablishing Habits of Wellness"

"Hope On the Horizon, New Professional Continues to Weasel Her Way into a Job at Alma Matter"

"Snore, Scribble, Score! Couple Attends Home-Buying Class to Prepare for the Purchase of Their First Home"

"Case-Studies Come to Life: Real-Life Scenarios Challenge New Professional's Skills"

"High-Strung People Have Babies All the Time: An Exploration into How One Woman Needs More than to Simply Relax" this will follow up story of "Who-whos, Va-j-j's, and Nether-Regions, Oh My! One Woman's Journey Though Fertility Testing"

Yep, I'd say that pretty much sums it up for now. Here's to hoping you are well and reading this from a warm and sunny place.

Happy Reading!
~Phoenix

Irksome

2009-03-12T12:17:00.000-07:00

Before I get started with today's post (a list of things that irritate me) I wanted to take this moment to thank my readers for allowing me this space to vent and rant like a raving loon. I find that having a place like this where I can express myself and my occasional (alright, frequent) peevs makes me a much more pleasant person in the rest of life. So, thanks. Thank you for reading and allowing me a safe space to carry on, and on, and on.

With that said...here is today's list of things that piss me off(CAUTION! MANY exclamation points ahead).

1) The coworker who responds to my report of having been sick with a guarded, self-centered, and wholly unfriendly response of "Well don't give it to me, I've got too much to do to get sick!" Let's make it clear that I DID stay home on the day I felt the worst and was likely the most contagious. Let's also make it clear that SHE asked ME how I was doing! NOTE TO YOURSELVES PEOPLE: If you give a rats ass about how someone else is doing, your response to their situation should never be how YOU feel!!!

2) The same coworker who likes to wield power a bit too much and likes having things to piss and moan about even more. For those of you reading this who have an office with actual WALLS (and I mean the kind of walls that go all the way to the ceiling) be thankful! Did I mention that her back hurts, and she has a headache, and that she's tired, and that the smell of my lunch is making her hungry? Aren't you glad she works in the educational system?

3) People (and by people I mean society) who assume that once one makes a certain amount of money that one is financially "fine" or "set". By "fine" and "set" I mean debt free and totally without financial cares. LETS KEEP IN MIND - in order to get ourselves to this place where we make ANY money (and of course, you know I am talking about my partner here, and not me...keep in mind that I went to graduate school and promptly entered the WORST job market since 1942) we had to take out loans (enough loans, I might add, that we pay the amount of a healthy mortgage payment every month ONLY to cover our debts).

4) The fact that being smart and savvy is, based on my experience, apparently a bad thing. No one told me that meek and soft-spoken were mod! I CAN NOT, nay, WILL NOT act like a shell of myself for the sake of others' egos. People (and by people I mean anyone who has LET (yes, I said let, it IS a choice) themselves be overwhelmed, intimidated, or threatened by smart or outspoken people) need grow a pair (or borrow mine) and get the hell over themselves! Someone who is smarter or sharper than you should challenge you to be a better person or at the VERY least challenge you to grow a bit by learning how to interact with some one different than yourself!

5) Vaginal bleeding. That's right. Vaginal bleeding. The seemingly never-ending, constant, gross, must-be-an-indication-that-something-is-wrong-but-no-one-can-find-anything-wrong, vaginal bleeding. My simple rant with this is this: WTF?

And that's my list. I feel much better. Thanks.

~Phoenix

I couldn't help myself!

2009-02-20T17:09:00.001-08:00

This morning's post got me on a roll. Per my disclaimer earlier, if my sense of humor and cynicism aren't your style, I won't be offended. Kindly just don't read this post and wait for my next one. I promise to be in a better mood, soon.

In the mean time, for anyone who has ever gone through the grueling process of a year-long job search, please find the cover letter I WISH I could send below.

Thanks for letting me ramble and rant today. I feel much better and am excited for a fun and restful weekend.

Happy Reading

~Phoenix

OVERLY LARGE TYPE FONT NAME HERE
Mailing address here, even though you’ll never send me anything based on this address
Phone number and email here, even though you’ll still get it wrong and use the one from the on-line application to contact me

February 20, 2009

Employers name here
Employers address here (even though I am submitting this electronically so this should actually read something like: Computer on the desk of the assistant to highest-ranking person on the hiring committee)

Dear People Who Intend To Judge Me:

Please accept this letter and my resume as my official application for the job for which you are hiring. I learned about this position opening in one of two ways: either one of my colleagues sent me a posting or I found the posting listed on line at your institution’s website. If the former, when I received the email I felt a little twang of embarrassment that I’m still the friend and colleague who needs help finding a job. If the latter, when I found this job posted I likely felt simultaneously elated by the idea doing the job and overwhelmed by the idea of applying for it. Also, if the latter, send a note of thanks to your human resources department for making it almost impossible to find job postings on the web. That’s a real help when you are desperate to find work.

I will now demonstrate that, by this point in the cover letter, you are no longer actually reading the letter but rather simply skimming it. I will demonstrate this by typing for the remainder of this line using only the home row. Ready? Here goes. Asdfjk;asdfjkl;asdfjkl
That was fun, wasn’t it? It reminded me of a glissando on the piano. Don’t know what a glissando is? That is really too bad, isn’t it? Did you like how I made reference to the home row, too? That shows I have the basic computer skills of a potato. Don’t know what the home row is? Again, too bad. Hey, instead of judging me and round-filing this letter, why not be the bigger person and go look up home row and glissando? I’ll bet you’ll thank me later. Just think of how impressed they’ll be at the next administrative luncheon when you mention one or both of those in casual conversation?!

Oh, and by the way, I know I’m not supposed to use contractions in a formal letter like this, but I just can’t help m’self. It is just too much fun! Get over it.

So, about my qualifications: I have some. I started my journey in this field almost 10 years ago, but by your requirements, I have just over 1 year of experience. That’s a kick in the pants, isn’t it? Regardless of if you consider it qualification or not, here’s what I’ve done: student activities, orientation, career services, programming, advising, disability services, assessment, teaching, admissions, and leadership development. In addition to all that, I worked for a number of years outside the academy when I was putting my partner (notice my inclusive language) through law school. While you may see work outside of the academy as futile and plebian, I consider it some of my better professional development and I pride myself on being able to have meaningful, down-to-earth conversations with people outside of the educational community.

As you’ll note in my resume, I’m really well educated. I went to private school (don’t be fooled, I’m not rich and neither are my parents – I got scholarships and talent awards and I worked and am currently working my tail off to pay for school). I majored in psychology because it sounded good and I like the professors. When I wasn’t in class, I was singing or being involved as s student leader. My experience as a student leader helps me relate to the students with whom I work and helps me remember why the work I do is important. I also went to graduate school. While there, I proved I was competent in 9 areas that I am sure will translate into me being a useful and productive employee. Sorry, none of them was grant writing. No, I’m not bilingual. No, I don’t know how to program a computer. I’M GOOD WITH PEOPLE DAMIT! (Any fans of the movie “Office Space” will get that joke).

I am called to be an educator as a means to forward my equality-for-all-social-justice agenda. I’m invigorated by working with bright-eyed, idealistic, full-of-hope young adults. If and when someone does offer me a job, I am confident I’ll kick ass at it! My philosophy when working with students is to be genuine, transparent, and authentic. I don’t believe in sugar-coating things or in seeing the cup as either half-full or half-empty. In my opinion, the cup is a cup with liquid in it. What I am really interested in is if there is a coaster underneath it and about the person drinking it. And really, who really has the time to sit around contemplating cups with liquid when there is a world injustice to overcome and great television to watch. I’m reliable. I don’t do anything dispassionately. I’m a little crazy, but certainly you already know that from reading this letter. Oh wait, that’s right. You aren’t actually reading this letter. That’s how I can get away with all of this mumbo-jumbo.

Please contact me at your earliest convenience so we can meet. I’m well aware that your earliest convenience will be sometime in the next three to six months. No rush, I’ll just wait. I’m actually getting younger and wealthier waiting for you and the hiring process. When we meet, I will talk about my skills and qualifications. You’ll judge my outfit, choice of words, and whether or not I’m a “fit” for your campus. It’ll be a gas!

Very Truly Yours,

Phoenix

So Cynical!

2009-02-20T09:36:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer:

With fear that some of you will never trust or read a single email that I send to you again, I post this for three reasons:

1) This blog was started as a way for me to nurture my mental health (meaning, I need a place to say what I think) and as such this is more for me than it is for you.

AND

2) I think it is funny. It is honest and true, even if it is a hard reality it is my reality.

AND

3) I've been an a rotten mood for the last few days (cause unknown) and I'm hoping this will help purge me of some of my crankiness before the weekend.

With that said, if my sense of humor or harsh cynicism isn't your taste, I suggest you skip this post. I promise I'll be in a better mood some time soon.

The Way To Read Between My Lines: What I'm Really Saying Via Email

Hi!

I REALLY do hope this message finds you WELL.

In this first paragraph I will comment on you and your life in a casual but endearing way, in an effort to make you feel like you've been drifting in and out of my thoughts every day since last we talked or saw each other. I'll mention some small detail or piece of information about you that I can remember or that, more appropriately, that I dug through countless emails to find to make it seem like I just "know" this stuff and am really "that" good. I'll ask questions about you and hope that we can talk about you because, really, it is just so much easier to talk about and focus on you than it is to turn the focus to me. I'm a helper and a listener, and I don't like opening up or feeling my own emotions. THAT takes too much energy. THAT is too scary. THAT is too overwhelming. I'll likely crack a joke or make light of something to break the ice and remind you that I am fun and funny. I like being fun and funny. It makes me feel like people accept me. It makes it easier for me when people are laughing to know that they are doing it at my joke and not at me.

In this paragraph, I'll try to answer your questions about me and my life in the most positive but vague way. Even thought that at times I feel like my life is empty and meaningless, I'll write at least 2 paragraphs of fluff to make it sound like I'm important and living with purpose. I'll always mention my partner first (remember, easier to talk about others than me). I'll try to make it sound like he is the best man alive: working hard all day and yet still able to be a doting, loving, perfect husband. When, in reality, he is just a man. He's got a one-track mind, he's stubborn, he's forgetful. He is human. I'll fail to include how much he can drive me crazy or how we bicker and argue about the most asinine things.

In this paragraph I'll finally get around to me. I'll make it sound like I thrive on being pulled in the 42 different directions that I am pulled when, in reality, I'm exhausted. I won't mention that I feel entitled to do what ever I want, when ever I want to and that, as a result of these feelings of entitlement, I have a bit of self-loathing because I know I SHOULD be more mature, but I'm just NOT yet.

I'll keep talking about myself in this paragraph but what you don't know is that I've actually stopped and am now talking about my plans or goings-on in my life. I'll make it sound like we're being frugal, responsible, and level-headed with regard to purchasing our first home when, in reality, we're paralyzed with fear and trepidation over the cost, investment, and time it takes to buy and maintain a house. I'll casually mention our plans for family, likely spinning it to make it sound like we've chosen not to have children yet, either because we're considering adoption or because we think it might be more socially-conscious to abstain from bringing another mouth to feed into this world. When, in reality, I have a pretty messed up reproductive system and this month I, like an adolescent, celebrated my first "normal" period in over a year! I'll mention some plan we have for the future: hoping to vacation (even though we'll have to spend our vacation fund on taxes this year), visiting with family (even though we might not be able to take the time from work to do so) , or running a marathon (even though we haven't run in over a month). I like to talk about the future. It feels hopeful and light. I'll try to turn it back to you, here, and find a way to include you in my future plans. When can we get together? When can we hang out? It has been too long.

I REALLY do hope we'll talk again SOON and I REALLY do wish you all my BEST (even if I don't feel like it is all that great).

~Phoenix

Seriously, Snow?!

2009-01-27T10:46:00.000-08:00

So, I just got word that I'll be staying home today. Campus is shutting down on account of the "chubby white rain" we Oregonians refer to as snow. Is it still snowing? Yes. Is it sticking? Kind of. Is it cause for ANY concern? No. Ah well. I'll clean my house and blog instead.

I think it is time I start using those fun link-thingys in my blog. So have fun, this one is full of them!

Updates since last I blogged:
1) I've got yet another part-time, temporary job (I think I might paint something on the side of my wagon "Advisor for Hire" or "Student Affairs on Wheels"...what do you think?). I'll be working at Portland Community College, Rock Creek Campus as the Outreach and Orientation Coordinator (lovingly called an "OOC"). I'll mostly be working on planning the spring Preview Day (May 8th), giving campus tours, hosting high school student groups visiting campus, and going out to high schools to give the PCC pitch. Should be fun. I'm excited for the work, the opportunity to develop my skills and meet more people, and most of all I'm excited for my office! That's right. Office! With walls and everything!

2) 1/2 marathon training began last night. Yep. In the freezing cold. My partner wined and moaned and we both hobbled up the stairs after we were done on our fast-aging joints. But it was great. 30 minutes as an easy-to-moderate pace (AKA - from our house to the stop sign and back). We still need to buy one of these for our training but we decided not to let our lack of gear stop us for making the plunge.

3) We're back in the housing market. We've looked at 6 places in the Tualatin/Tigard area in the last few weeks and this weekend we're headed to Beaverton. This is our favorite place so far. What do you think? And, if anyone needs a good real estate agent, check out this one (nice glam shot, right?). She's awesome! Laid back, friendly, genuine, knowledgeable, and flexible (anyone who has had a bad real estate experience can tell you how amazing it is to find all of these qualities in one person).

4) We're social butterflies and loving it. Last week/weekend we hosted 2 dinner parties, attended 2 birthday parties, co-hosted a pampered chef party, and met friends in Salem for lunch at one of my all-time favorite places. Yum!

5) We got a new TV. Thanks to Mom and Dad for their half (that was our Christmas present)! We've been looking for one since the summer. The price finally dropped low enough that it was my present upon my return from Minneapolis. I got to watch Obama being inaugurated on it and in HD you can almost count the gray hair on his head. It is fun and for some reason even though we didn't pay for cable before and got some channels now we still don't pay for cable and get even more. Welcome back HGTV & TLC! I still don't understand the difference between digital and HD (no matter how many times my partner explains it) but I like when the TV is bright and flashy looking. :)

6) I went to Minneapolis to visit my sister (lovingly known as Teed) and we had a blast! The first day we were there we made it all the way to the lobby! Highlights from the trip were seeing this guy, going here, drinking one of these, sleeping, getting this and this done, and eating at this cool place.

7) I'm busy this week with the Oregon Women in Higher Education conference. I'm on the planning committee and have been in charge of concurrent sessions, exhibit and poster sessions, networking sessions, and the artistic interlude. The conference happens on Friday and boy will I be glad when it is over! Tired as I am about the planning and logistics, I am excited for the conference and also looking forward to seeing my graduate school buddies.

8) My mom will be in town this weekend and I'm looking forward to her visit. (If you are putting 2 and 2 together and thinking: "Gee, that's a lot of house guests and stuff going on", you are correct! Refer to #4 - we're a busy bunch). We're going to take her along for the house hunt this weekend. The woman has owned 93 houses so she'll certainly be good to have along for sage advice, not to mention that she thinks I'm funny and I like to make her laugh.

9) I'm looking forward to this girl's baby shower. I bought the CUTEST little things for baby Ella and I am excited to see this girl and this girl at the shower, too.

10) I'm newly obsessed with this drink. And in typical "me" fashion, I order it with 1 1/2 pumps of classic syrup and non-fat milk. Mostly 'cause that is the way I prefer it, but also 'cause the barista at the local Starbucks is cute, and I like to make him look up from the register and make eye contact (Shhh. Don't tell this boy!).

RANDOM THOUGHT OF THE DAY:
I've decided that I don't like diet cocoa. I've tried it with varying levels of water and it still just comes out tasting like chocolate-flavored water. Once I'm out of this supply and next time I'm at the store, I'm opting for the calorie laden cocoa. That will be a while yet, however, since I've turned into my mother and each time I go to the market seem to think "We're out of cocoa, I need to buy some!" and therefore have approximately 1472 packets of the diet crap at home. Sigh.

FYI - the snow has turned to slush and rain since I've started writing this blog. Thank goodness we canceled school and closed down campus!

Ciao for now and Happy Reading!

~Phoenix

Ready or Not - here I come!

2009-01-02T12:44:00.000-08:00

To start off 2009 right I...

stayed home, even though we had many offers to join in celebrations this year we just really felt like being hermits, it was fun

kissed my onetruelove and danced with him in our living room

sipped on cheap-bought-at-the-last-minute-but-does-the-job champagne

nursed my chest cold, hacking and wheezing through the day

caught up on Hero's

stayed in my PJ's until 4pm and promptly returned to them at 8pm

napped

created a budget for 2009

contemplated resolutions such as: living in the moment, choosing wellness, and giving up control

In 2009 I'm ready: for the weather to improve, for my illness to go away, to return to healthier eating, to start running and cross training again, to buy a house, to stop waiting for my life to give me structure but rather give structure to my life. :)

Oh bother!

2008-12-17T11:19:00.001-08:00

I contemplated blogging in October, I seriously considered it in November, I even sat down to read other blogs in December. Did I actually blog? No. 'Course not.

Top 10 best excuses I can think of that might justify 2.5 month absence from the blogosphere:
1) Hibernation (...can't blog if I'm sleeping)
2) Finger paralysis (...can't blog if I can't type)
3) Internet allergy (....can't blog if I'll go into shock)
4) Blog-amnesia (...can't blog if I don't remember how or where to)
5) CBS (Catholic Blog Syndrome) (...can't blog if I feel so guilty that I haven't blogged)
6) Blog-a-phobia (...can't blog if I think it might cause harm)
7) BD (Blog Dysfunction) (...can't blog if I can't "get up" the will to...wait, don't they have a pill for that?)
8) Blogastination (...can't I always blog tomorrow?)
9) Bloggers-block (...can't blog if I can't think of anything to blog about)
10) Life (...that one always seems to get in the way)

What I've been up to - the readers digest version.

October:

Beach trip with the Hunts, our friends, to celebrate Brian and my shared birthday.
Work at Willamette - leadership development and a little bit of herding cats. Realized mid-way through the month how to do my job better: teach, DOH!
Canvassing and volunteering for Obama - watch out, my political career just started.
Trip to Walla Walla with three friends from graduate school to surprise another of our friends from the program...laughted 'till I cried MANY times.
Trained at PCC to be a "casual" advisor - that doesn't mean I work in sweat pants, it means I'm sort of like a substitute teacher.
Joined a choir - Consonare Chorale - and remembered that I LOVE to sing. DUH!

November:

Work at PCC (the Rock Creek and Sylvania campuses) - busy, busy, busy advising students as they prepared for the new term. They actually pay me to do the COOLEST job in the world! I heart my students.
GObama!
My partner finished the billable year and meets the minimum requirement for his hours billed! YAY!
Trip to the Gahr Farm Bed and Breakfast to celebrate end of the billable year. Voted one of the NW best places to kiss. We concur. Such fun, even in the rain.
Work for the Oregon Women in Higher Education Conference - recruiting and evaluating presentation proposals.
My partner rings in his 30th birthday !
Travel to Seattle for Thanksgiving with my parents - got to see my brother and his family. Fun to see the kid-os. Nice to get away.

December:

Staying busy with advising at PCC - Interviewed for a full-time position at Rock Creek as an advisor. Fingers crossed!
Rehearsals for Lessons and Carols choir concert - only to have it postponed due to the weather!
My partner's firm's holiday party - such fun! I love dressing up and dancing with my one-true-love. He bought a new tie to go with my new sparkly dress. I got my make-up done and even got fake eyelashes for the occasion. :)
Preparation Christmas including the vocal solo on Christmas Eve at Calvin Church. Excited and scared all at the same time. I'm 98% done with the shopping/shipping/stressful/material side of Christmas...only 3 small gifts to purchase and a few others to wrap. Cards are out, hand-made gifts are done, boxes have been shipped. The fun parts (egg-nog lattes, holiday CD's, and cookie baking) are now all that are left to enjoy! I boy-cotted decorating this year and it feels GR8! No pine needles on the carpet, no debating over white or colored lights, no sneezing from the pollen on the tree, no fear of making kindling out of a $50+ tree, no having to unpack my entire storage closet in order to get to the decorations, and best of all no irritation when-- after all of that effort -- my house still just doesn't look like the Pottery Barn catalog. Thanks to our friends and family who have let us soak up the holiday cheer at their homes. :)
Watched almost the entire series of Hero's (that show is awesome!) on my partner's new Xbox 360. I'm NOT techy at all, but the streaming Netflix is pretty SA-WEET!

Things I wish I would have done more of in the last 2.5 months:

Run or exercised (for a girl who is supposedly training for a marathon, I didn't run much...oops! At least I have a good excuse, the knees started giving some trouble and I decided walking into my 30's was more important than running out of my 20's).
Blogged (...yeah, we've been over that).
Read (at least I wasn't the only one, the book club my friends from graduate school and I started was a bit of a joke, we all failed to finish the book - I think it is too soon after school to be reading whole books - we're trying articles instead).
Expressed my feelings in a more emotionally intelligent way (Why is it that throwing a tantrum doesn't get the point across? Seriously, being an adult can really suck some times!).
Laughed. <-- Sad, I know, but we're working on it.

Things I wish I would have done less of in the last 2.5 months:

Stressed
Made decisions out of fear
Tried to control things I can not
Paid for my own health insurance (why does it feel like that should be paid for...oh, that's right...'cause I'm a stark-raving-socialist who thinks we should have socialized health care)
Prolonged joy (AKA packed hope into things that are for the future) - darn that whole living-in-the-moment thing!

Plans for the rest of the month:

Soak up the snow days - currently we're on day #3 and I'm actually getting a little sick of fuzzy socks and hot cocoa!
Enjoy the simple and magical parts of Christmas.
Blog!
Keep making plans with my sister for our trip to Minneapolis in January - CAN'T WAIT!
Apply for jobs.
Do excellent work at the jobs I have.
Just keep singing, singing, singing.
Start up the house search again, with rates aroun 4%, we'd be CRAZY not to at least look.
Run! It might be the Eugene 1/2 marathon and the Portland Marathon, that feels a bit less insane and a bit more balanced, don't you think?

Alright faithful readers - If I haven't lost you after the insane hiatus, I hope you'll find this update sufficient until my next post. Thanks for patience and understanding Happy reading!

~Phoenix

An out pouring of affection

2008-10-02T11:28:00.000-07:00

Once I graduated from my undergraduate institution and began working in the "real world" I quickly learned that in order to celebrate my birthday in style I needed to take the day from work and make the day my own. I learned this the hard way after one year when I had what can safely be called the one worst birthday ever (complete with horrific patients at the clinic, lost dinner reservations, and lots of tears). So, I did. I managed to finagle my birthday as a vacation day for several years and in the years that I could not, I postponed celebration until the weekend so as to not get my hopes up. All was well with birthday celebration "grown up style".

This year was tricky, however. What to do to have the day feel special when most of my time is spent in what looks and feels like a days off. Oddly, I went to work and it was a great change from the norm. It was fun to be surrounded by students, colleagues, and friends. It was excellent to have something to do and ways to feel important and needed. It was awesome to received the flower delivery from my partner at the office where others could see and acknowledge the sweet- and thoughtful-ness.

It was a great birthday. I felt loved, cherished, celebrated, remembered, and appreciated. To all
(Adam, Mom and Dad, Teed and her crew, Kevin and the Yakima 5, Nicole, Jim, Jessie, Joanna, Joie, Kate, Tonya, Julie, LeeAnn, Alyson, Dante, Jen and Brian, The Boones, Mom and Dad "2", Vonnie, Lisa and the OSA gang, and Betsy) who made my day yesterday so wonderful - a heartfelt thanks!

The day was fabulous - I slept in, chatted with my mom, met Joanna for coffee and pedicures, did some work - and got my flowers :), had lunch with Vonnie, did some more work, met with Jessie, drove to Portland, had dinner at "The Melting Pot" with the partner, and came home to open my presents! (For all who wanted a report on the restaurant: it was good but sort of a racket (very much like Beni Hana, delicious but certainly "a place to celebrate" in a generic sort of way). We were moved because our burner wasn't working properly - which wasn't anything horrible, but made for an even longer night. I'd recommend going for no other reason than to say you went. However, if you are a "product oriented person" (e.g., likes the end and not the build up) than it is probably not the place for you - as you wait quite some time through each course and have to cook your own meat at the table (for those of us with a fear of salmonella poisoning this means that each time a shrimp is placed in the pot we check our watch and then continue checking it until our necessary 1 1/2 minutes are up). If I go again I'd probably just get the cheese and chocolate fondue and skip the "entree" all together (while the meat was good, it was totally unnecessary with all the other food).

No pearls of wisdom now that I'm 28 other than the realization that I don't have to take a vacation day to celebrate my birthday if I just look up long enough to realize that I am surrounded by wonderful people who truly care for me. I'm ready for what the year has in store and hopeful that I can continue to thrive in this world as the most genuine version of who I am.

Happy Thursday - be sure to tune into the Veep debates at 6pm (PST)! I'm hoping for a belated gift of Palin getting pulverized on national TV! :)

~Phoenix

What's in a name?

2008-09-30T10:18:00.000-07:00

It has been a rough summer.

Mind you any normal, sane person would look at my summer schedule and say: "WOW! You had time to rest, relax, sleep, recoup. That must have been great!" But alas, I am neither a normal or sane person.

This summer has been challenging for me because I went from moving at warp speed in 32 different directions as a graduate student, employee, commuter, friend, teacher, partner, daughter, sister, bridesmaid, hopeful parent, and hopeful home owner (to name a few) all at the same time to well...what felt like a stalled out version of my former self. Mind you, the break was much needed and I don't think I could have continued at the rate at which I was moving and been a healthy person for much longer. But nevertheless, stopping and re-framing my entire world view in a little over 3 months has been a little tricky.

This summer has been filled with beautiful, wonderful, amazing things. I was a proud and honored witness to two of my dearest friends uniting in partnership to men they adore. I was the hostess to my family and friends on several occasions. I was a tourist in my own town, traveling to my partner's family beach house on a couple of occasions and enjoying the city that I fell in love with some 8 years ago. I was humbled by my own academic achievements when I received my master's degree. I have made new friends and rediscovered what life can be like without the constant pressure of "something else I should be doing." I have rediscovered other, important and treasured elements of my identity: a singer, a craft-queen, a baker, a friend, a goof-ball, and an athlete.

This summer has been filled with horrible, awful, ridiculous moments, too. I have faced rejection for jobs for which I know I would be amazing. I have battled with my hormones and used more panty liners than most women do in a year. I have struggled to understand my purpose and value in the world and in my partnership. I have tortured myself with too little and too much always in the pursuit of "just enough." I have stumbled onto biases and privileges I never knew I had, much less wanted. I have been forced to re-define who I am, how I fit with those I love, and what my intentions really are. I have missed the window of opportunity to take a shower more times than I'd like to admit. I have found ways to distract myself and keep myself busy without actually accomplishing anything. I have watched the 700 Club and infomercials for body shapers and sandwich pocket makers. I have cried, and cried, and cried. I have fought (a loosing) turf war against the pigeons at our apartment complex. I have bickered, argued, picked fights with and stormed off on my partner.

It was during one of these awful moments, when my partner and I were exploring some mammoth concept like the purpose of life when I was given my nom de plume (look mom I can spell in French). After an argument (or what anyone else would likely call a discussion (but I'm sensitive so it was an argument to me)) I looked through tears into the eyes of my partner and apologized for the weepy, sullen, angst-ridden creature I had been lately. My partner then said to me: "It is okay. You are just like my little Phoenix. You are beautiful and your tears have healing powers, but you get blue and your feathers get ruffled and then you burst into flames. Sometimes those flames run a little hot but for the most part you are re-born into a beautiful new Phoenix."

That's love, isn't it? Only a partner who truly loves me for what I am (and not it spite of it) could see my border line manic-depressive affect as something as beautiful and majestic as a Phoenix. It was after my partner gave me this nick-name that I went on to learn more about these mythical creatures. There is all sorts of mythology, theology, and other -ologies that tell the tale (no pun intended) of these beautiful birds. But I like my partner's summation best.

Best,
~Phoenix

Tag - you're it!

2008-09-29T15:32:00.000-07:00

PJP has tagged me, and I'm honored. How fun?! The blog version of a chain letter. In keeping with the spirit of the tag - here' are my tags:
1. GiGi
2. Teed
3. JM
4. Cakewrecks
5. Hotdish and Hallelujahs
6. Unnecessary quotation marks
7. The Co-author

Play along if you like, and if not, I'm sure the world will keep spinning.

Here are the rules:
1. If you've been tagged, you can put the logo on your blog.
2. Link the person from whom you received the award.
3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs.
4. Put links to those blogs on yours.
5. Leave a message on the blogs you've nominated.

Happy Monday.

Betty Baker Strikes Again

2008-09-26T08:19:00.000-07:00

So... my, naturally-beautiful, does-nothing-wrong, "skinny-as-a-pickle", super-mom, wonder-nurse, balls-of-steel sister has started to blog. What can I say, it is like a communicable disease. First Princess Jessie Pants, then Choirpres and Soundguy, then me, now my mom and then, because my mom is, my sister. It is an epidemic. Blogging: the new influenza. I digress.

My sister, Teed (a name that I bequeathed to her many moons ago when her given name was more syllables than my small mouth could handle), has started a blog. Check it out: http://www.teed-blahblahblog.blogspot.com, she claims not to be as talented or funny as mom or me, but she lies. I blame that on her large, curly hair (the mommy with the big hair, as her youngest son describes her) -- sometimes it puffs up so big that she must not be able to actually SEE that she is the "good one" (that aught to get mom going, right?). I digress, yet again (story of my life).

In her initial posting she aptly points out that I have a lot of opinions. Any reader who knows me knows this to be as painfully true as the self observation I made a few months back: "I'm a little high strung". In fact, during my first review at a former job my supervisor noted that "Sh ehas a lot of great ideas, insights, and opinions and she is open and willing to share them freely!" (or something like that). This is the nice way to say: "She is opinionated and a loud mouth." I'll take it, better that than meek and mousy, right? Thought this was another digression --- ha! Fooled you. It is NOT. Just the frame work for the rest of the story (you see, I tell a story like you are supposed to work on a puzzle, set up the frame work with the outside edges and then pick up pieces and try to fit them together....damn, I digress...don't I?).

SO, anyway...Teed pointed out that I am opinionated, and while it comes as no surprise I take that observation as a challenge to use my blog today for something potentially useful. Below, please find two new recipes. Both of these are my variations on sweets ('cause that's what I prefer to spend my time in the kitchen making) that I heard about or read recipes of but never wrote down. If you need a nosh for the weekend - try them out and let me know how they go. Perhaps one or both of these will sound good and stay down PJP? Keep on trucking, the first trimester is almost over, I'm told that it gets dramatically better in the 2nd trimester (though, what the hell do I know?! My hormones are so irregular that I might as well be 13 again!)

Happy Reading, Happy Baking, Happy Weekend.

~Phoenix

S'mores Bars
Just when you thought summer was over and you'd have to pack up the S'mores supplies until next year - try this out instead.

Ingredients:
1 large bag of mini marshmallows (about 8 cups)
2 sleeves of graham crackers
2 chocolate bars
1/4 cup butter

Directions:
Butter or grease (use your "fat" of choice) a 9x13 baking dish. Cut or break graham crackers into 1x1 inch-ish squares. Cut or break chocolate bars into pieces.

At a medium heat ('cause NOTHING smells worse than burned marshmallow) combine butter and 6 cups marshmallows in a large sauce pan. Stir frequently until butter has melted and marshmallows are smooth. I recommend you use a non-stick pan and a non-stick spatula for this process, it makes clean up much easier.

Remove from heat and add graham cracker pieces. Fold to coat. Fold in remaining 2 cups marshmallows. Finally, add chocolate bars.

Dump the ooey-gooey-goodness into prepared baking dish and pat down 'till it is even. Let sit until cool. Lick the pan and the spatula. Slice and enjoy.

Aunties Indecisive Cookies
What are they, peanut butter, chocolate chip, oatmeal? Ala Phoebe from "Friends" ..."what the crap is up with this stuff....oh, it is good, may I try another?!" (Who can tell me what she's talking about? A free batch of cookies for the first reader who can identify the sweet to which she is referring.)

I know they look like they don't know what they want to be (hence the name) but they really are pretty tasty. Not to mention that if I had a regular cycle I'm sure they'd be a great PMS cure. Salty and sweet is good, right? How would I know - my reproductive system is messed up.

The nut butter gives a (this will come a shock) nutty flavor and is my favorite alternative to nuts (in my opinion nuts don't belong in baked goods). The oats make the cookie more robust and chewy. I have listed ways to make these "friendly" for people with diabetes, diary, nut, and gluten allergies 'cause it would SUCK not to be able to eat sweets and it is SUPER easy to make accommodations so we can all enjoy (a little shout out to my high-maintenance-food-yet-lovably-allergic friends).

I like to make the batter ahead of time, roll it into balls, and freeze it. We cook a few each night in the toaster-oven, 'cause what's better than a warm cookie? OMG, enough...the recipe already!

Ingredients:
1/2 cup butter or margarine - softened
1/2 cup peanut, almond, cashew or other nut butter (omit, obviously, if anyone has a nut allergy)
1/2 cup brown sugar (you can use less or a sugar substitute if you prefer)
1/2 cup granulated sugar (you can use less or a sugar substitute if you prefer)
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1 cup flour (whole wheat, all-purpose, gluten-free...doesn't matter)
1 cup oats (what ever you've got around, use Irish oats if making these gluten-free)
1 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1 bag (yes, the whole bag, this is what makes them good) milk chocolate chips (or what ever type of chocolate chips are your favorite)

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350.

Cream butters and sugars together until smooth. Beat in egg and vanilla. Set aside. Sift flour, oats, soda, and salt together. Add dry ingredients to the butter mixture. Once combined, stir in chocolate chips.

Form into balls (I like to use my melon baller for this 'cause I've got a touch of OCD and all of my cookies have to be a similar size/shape. However, if you aren't certifiable I'm sure you could do the "drop by rounded teaspoonful" thing that recipes always suggest -- seriously just "drop" them and that's that? How uncivilized.).

Place on cookie sheet (or baking stone if you know where its at) and bake for 8-10 minutes until golden brown. When possible serve warm.

For some added calories and fat ('cause sometimes that's just the way we roll) drop a couple of cookie balls into a ramekin and bake until just barely cooked (almost light brown). Remove from oven and top while hot with ice-cream or soy-ice cream. Called "Bazuike and Cream" and SOOO good.

The road to hell - not just for good intentions!

2008-09-24T15:07:00.000-07:00

So much for my resolution to make a daily post to my blog! I wish I had some sort of excuse, like being busy at work, around the house, or with something else important. Alas, I have not. Just case of blog-astination, I suppose.

In an effort to make up for lost time, here's the "Top 10 Updates On Me":

1) Had a 2nd interview for a job in Portland yesterday and it went well. My former cohort mate readers will appreciate this aspect of the interview: they asked me about my theoretical orientation for student development! I could have talked for HOURS! :)

2) My partner has been working like a fiend. Long days and almost all weekend. The billable year ends October 31 - we think we can, we think we can....

3) I'm considering turning completely to alternative medicine as I think it might be the only way to get what I need. I refuse to believe that medication and surgery are the only options we have for treatment. I DEMAND a third option. Fair warning: I'm about to jump on the "ultra-woo-woo-hippie-wagon" for my health and you can expect herbal supplements and scary green detoxifying drinks a plenty!

(Putting away soap box....oh wait, just kidding....)

4) I'm in such support of Obama that it actually hurts a little. I'm disgusted with McCain/Palin and I REALLY hope the debate happens on Friday. Have you registered to vote? Have you made sure that your loved ones (hell, everybody you know) are?

(Okay, now putting away soap box)

5) I have super-fun-super-cute new shoes that I bought in a fit of retail therapy this weekend (did I mention that my partner worked all weekend...I needed SOMETHING to do!) they are ballet flats-meet wedges-crossed with a Mary Jane, all in "Plum" (a.k.a. "my color") FAB, even though they are giving me blisters.

6) I've decided to train for the Eugene Marathon in May - May 3, 2009 to be exact. Anyone who wants to journey to Track Town USA to support me is welcome. More news on this soon.

7) I turn 28 one week from today. I LOVE birthdays and am looking forward to this one, the even years have treated me well --graduation from HS, WU, and the wedding. Plans to celebrate include a trip to the coast next weekend with the partner and some dear friends (one of whom is also an October 1 kid!).

8) I really want to join a choir but feel compelled to give my life a chance to balance out before I commit to weekly rehearsals and concert weekends. Blerg. For now, I think about how fun it would be an torment Choirpres with the idea of tagging along at one of her many choir commitments.

(Returning to soap box...)

9) I'm continuing to learn about privilege. The lesson this month, it isn't always visible to those who have it. Lesson 1: Insurance. I tried to fill a prescription this weekend during which time the Pharm tech checked 3 times about my insurance coverage and felt compelled to tell me "It's really spendy, like $112!" Thanks, I needed EVERYONE in Target to know that I'm paying of pocket. And no, even though my partner has coverage doesn't mean that I automatically do. Lesson 2: Parenthood. Newsflash - it is not "easy" for everyone to achieve, one shouldn't assume they have ANY kind of an idea what other people have tried or considered. Further it is ridiculous for anyone to assume (as I once did) that a) someone who is good with children should want to or need to become a biological parent and b) someone who is having difficulty conceiving can't be ELATED for his/her friends/family who are expecting.

(Stepping down from soap box...)

10) I've decided to read at least 1 book per month claiming: It is something people with master's degrees do. My first attempt: Meg Wheatley's: "Leadership and the New Science," some colleagues and I have formed an e-book group to encourage reading outside of work and continue our relationship from graduate school. So far, I love it.

I'm hopeful to write more often, thanks to my readers for letting me rant.

Cheers!

~Phoenix

In hot pursuit of a streak free shine -- an OCD moment with no one here to intervene

2008-09-06T16:45:00.001-07:00

So yesterday afternoon I was in a mad rush to clean the house before my partner returned home from work. It is important to note, by the way, that I am always MOST productive when I have just under an hour to accomplish a task. Why is it, I wonder, that when I have a 10+ hour day to fill with chores and to-do's that the last hour is the only time that I can truly seem to DO anything? Erg! So, in my rush to complete something of note before my betrothed descended on our less-than-clean haven for the weekend, I set out to spiff up the bathrooms in our apartment.

Now, there in our home there is a difference between "spiff" and "clean". It is a distinction that, apparently, only I understand and that I am quite sure that I defined (or at least that is what my partner says). It is a key distinction, nonetheless. To spiff: To maintain the cleanliness of an area from a former cleaning OR to spot clean an area until it can be "cleaned" thoroughly. To clean: To channel my OCD tendencies, arm myself with heavy-duty-cleaners (the more caustic the better) and scrubbing tools, and persevere over the dirt, germs, dust, and grime.

So, I'm spiffing the bathrooms. In this case, I was maintaining a deeper cleaning. I wiping, scrubbing, rinsing, and shining. I spray the glass cleaner on the mirror, I wipe, I hear that oh-so=gratifying "skweeeek" and I think I'm done. Little did I know that the bottle claiming a "streak free shine" was ALL A LIE. How rude.

I first notice a film-y, foggy like residue on the mirror and I think that my contacts need re-wetting. Surely, I thought, I heard the gratifying "skweeek" against the mirror, so this can't possibly be streaking. After all, I was promised streak free shine! I blinked a few times to re-wet the contacts and still, to my dismay, the mirror is covered in streaks! "Well, certainly this won't do", I said to myself as I approached the mirror, rag in hand, ready to find my streak free shine.

Mirror vs. me, Round 1: I buffed, I polished, I scrubbed. I began to sweat. I realized that this was going to take work, and not the work of some girl just interested in a "spiff" oh no, but rather a girl committed to a real true "cleaning". A glimpse at my reflection in the still-foggy mirror revealed that I was working hard enough to make my hair grow in size exponentially with each passing swipe of the cloth. Now, I digress, but the girls with naturally curly hair in my reading audience can understand this -- it isn't a pretty sight, we can go from lovely girl with nice hair to someone resembling Ronald McDonald in just under 23 seconds if we aren't careful. In an attempt to manage my quickly growing afro, I tie on a do-rag (a "Race for the Cure" hanky folded into a triangle, placed around my hair, and tied at the nape of my neck. A la Rosie the Riveter) and return to my mission of finding that damn streak free shine. After all, I WAS promised one by the bottle of glass cleaning solution and NOW I've ruined a perfectly good hair day in its pursuit.

Mirror vs. me, Round 2: I sat, stood, crouched, and leaned, peered, squinted, and tilted my head from side to side, turned the lights on and off and open and closed the windows to change the light. I left the room at one point thinking I'd succeeded only to return to find more damn streaks.

Mirror vs. me, Round 3: I got up-close-and-personal with the mirror. Sitting on the counter spritzing small sprays of cleaner in concentrated areas followed by wiping with a paper towel and a finishing buff with a dry cloth accomplished my streak free shine. For those of you who haven't seen my bathroom you might be thinking "Well sure, that sounds reasonable" but little do you know that between the two baths in my home I have about 9,274 square feet of mirror! And, just under one roll of paper towels, 1/2 a bottle of glass cleaner, and about an hour later...I emerged from the bathrooms, triumphant! It took a good fight and there were a few battles lost but overall I had won the war.

What I find equally as comical in this whole scenario is that once I got into my OCD-end-of-the-day-productive groove, in addition to spiffing the bathrooms and fighting the good fight for my streak free shine I also managed to dust, vacuum, sweep and mop all the floors. All in just and hour and a half.

A Working Woman's Prayer

2008-09-05T09:22:00.000-07:00

This is my intention for the future. I created it at the request/suggestion of the acupuncturist I see as a way to define my intention and direct my energy within the universe. A lot of "woo-woo"....I know but I like to believe that East can met West and create an amazing hybrid.

Happy reading.

I will go to work each day with excitement about what I am doing, the opportunity to serve, and how I am a contribution to the world. I will channel my energy to help, organize, nurture, plan, orchestrate, coordinate, teach, and build relationships with others in my working community. I will find balance in other aspects of my life –building a relationship with my partner, singing, interacting with friends, dedicating myself to family, and serving my community civically.

I will get up and ready in the morning with my partner. The clean, crisp air and the early morning light will remind me that each day is new. I will dedicate my time with my partner to joy and beginnings. I will share myself completely and witness wholly. When I set out for work I will be aware of but not dictated by the time. I will think about the coming moments of the day but let them wash over me like a primer rather than a stain.

I will arrive at work with a sense of hope. I will greet my co-workers with a pleasant and genuine regard. I will allow myself to settle into my space and acclimate to my surroundings. I will plan my actions with intention and remain flexible to unforeseen issues throughout the day. I will use my skills and experience to learn and to teach. I will use my knowledge to empower others. I will be fulfilled by my work but not defined by it. I will seek to find harmony with those whom I do not see eye-to-eye. I will continuously challenge myself to work outside my comfort zone. I will run, toward my passions and alongside those whom I serve.

I will work independently and diligently. I will always break to help or witness a student or co-worker in need. I will find solace in building community with my colleagues – especially in meetings or other opportunities to break from my routine. I will use my break times to re-center my soul and to cleanse the energy I have used. I will breath in new energy to put toward the betterment of others and myself.

I will be aware of the passage of time – watching the sky grow dark, the weather change, the seasons forge on. As the day comes to a close I will collect myself and examine my successes from throughout the day as well as the tasks that lie ahead for tomorrow. I will organize or clean my space to prepare for my new day and I will consult my calendar to begin framing what the days ahead of me hold in store.

I will leave my office confident in my work and reflective regarding my practice in my profession. I will contemplate my challenges and explore ways to improve my craft when faced with new opportunities to do so. I will use my journey home to connect with my loved ones, meditate in silence, or to prepare myself for the evening ahead. I will feel fulfilled—having expended the energy that I was blessed with and used the talents I possess to do my work well.

When I return to my home I will use it as a haven, a place for solace, a place where I am welcomed, accepted, comfortable, and surrounded by joy. I will utilize opportunities to nourish the other aspects of my identity –eating whole and delicious foods, moving my body in sync with music and my breath, lifting my voice in song. I will allow myself time for entertainment, conversation, and relaxation.

I will journey to rest comfortable in my skin; satiated by the nourishments I have received in various forms throughout the day; content with what and who I am; satisfied with my accomplishments; encouraged by my challenges; grateful for the gifts and graces bestowed upon me. I will be fulfilled with the love for and of my partner and I will reflect that love. I will remain thankful for the opportunity to use my energy to better the world –even in small ways. I will be excited for much needed rest and in zealous anticipation of the new day to come in the morning.

Cave couples had it easier

2008-09-05T09:18:00.001-07:00

This is a combination of a few email exchanges I had with a dear friend in which we were discussing the challenges of being a 2 professional couple. Thanks to her for her contributions. Happy reading.

Makes me wonder if life was more simple for cave-people? Did the
hunters and gatherers try to balance their needs to develop as
professionals within their fields? Do you think that cro-mag-nin (sp?)
couples found cave space between prime hunting areas and good
gathering fields from which they could both commute on foot to perform
their respective roles? Did they have arguments about how they would
divide the chores --who would wash the hides and who would take the
mammoth out for a walk? When the hunters wanted to follow the herd of
bison do you think the gatherers would have precautions about how that
would affect their work? Was it hard to acclimatize to the new
gathering environments, was there an application and orientation
process involved?

Did the cave-carers develop a cavechild cooperative? Did they find it
necessary to respect each others' boundaries, and allow time for
creative pursuits, such as bone sculpture and cavepainting? Did they
balance their short term needs (meat!) with long-term choices, such as
a 401(cave) plan with a generous 3% bison matching program?

While it is fun to think about, I doubt that life was always as
complex then as we make it now. In trying to live a more simple life I
often realize that I usually make things more difficult than they
probably need to be as a result of my privilege within our very
fast-paced-savvy-high-tech-

plugged-in-but-tuned-out-highly-educated
society. I try (though often not well) to remember to approach
transitions like I suspect the cave people did: for the moment and
following our proverbial herd of bison without trepidation.

As we straddle a demanding job market and a high bar for personal
fulfillment, maybe a little bit of buffalo-chasing and hide-cleaning
might calm us down a bit. So, I say let's live more like our
ancestors...except with less grunting, more showers, and better
clothes.

Welcome!

2008-09-05T09:06:00.001-07:00

Now that we're well into the 21st century, I figured it was high time for me to jump on the blogging train. Next up: steam engines, electricity, and microwaves.

Thanks to my friends and family who supported and encouraged me to give this a try. My hope is that this blog will be a place for me to share my thoughts, keep my loved ones in the loop, and perhaps bring some insight and wit to readers.

So....welcome and thanks for reading.