So Cynical!

Disclaimer:

With fear that some of you will never trust or read a single email that I send to you again, I post this for three reasons:

1) This blog was started as a way for me to nurture my mental health (meaning, I need a place to say what I think) and as such this is more for me than it is for you.

AND

2) I think it is funny. It is honest and true, even if it is a hard reality it is my reality.

AND

3) I've been an a rotten mood for the last few days (cause unknown) and I'm hoping this will help purge me of some of my crankiness before the weekend.

With that said, if my sense of humor or harsh cynicism isn't your taste, I suggest you skip this post. I promise I'll be in a better mood some time soon.


The Way To Read Between My Lines: What I'm Really Saying Via Email

Hi!

I REALLY do hope this message finds you WELL.

In this first paragraph I will comment on you and your life in a casual but endearing way, in an effort to make you feel like you've been drifting in and out of my thoughts every day since last we talked or saw each other. I'll mention some small detail or piece of information about you that I can remember or that, more appropriately, that I dug through countless emails to find to make it seem like I just "know" this stuff and am really "that" good. I'll ask questions about you and hope that we can talk about you because, really, it is just so much easier to talk about and focus on you than it is to turn the focus to me. I'm a helper and a listener, and I don't like opening up or feeling my own emotions. THAT takes too much energy. THAT is too scary. THAT is too overwhelming. I'll likely crack a joke or make light of something to break the ice and remind you that I am fun and funny. I like being fun and funny. It makes me feel like people accept me. It makes it easier for me when people are laughing to know that they are doing it at my joke and not at me.

In this paragraph, I'll try to answer your questions about me and my life in the most positive but vague way. Even thought that at times I feel like my life is empty and meaningless, I'll write at least 2 paragraphs of fluff to make it sound like I'm important and living with purpose. I'll always mention my partner first (remember, easier to talk about others than me). I'll try to make it sound like he is the best man alive: working hard all day and yet still able to be a doting, loving, perfect husband. When, in reality, he is just a man. He's got a one-track mind, he's stubborn, he's forgetful. He is human. I'll fail to include how much he can drive me crazy or how we bicker and argue about the most asinine things.

In this paragraph I'll finally get around to me. I'll make it sound like I thrive on being pulled in the 42 different directions that I am pulled when, in reality, I'm exhausted. I won't mention that I feel entitled to do what ever I want, when ever I want to and that, as a result of these feelings of entitlement, I have a bit of self-loathing because I know I SHOULD be more mature, but I'm just NOT yet.

I'll keep talking about myself in this paragraph but what you don't know is that I've actually stopped and am now talking about my plans or goings-on in my life. I'll make it sound like we're being frugal, responsible, and level-headed with regard to purchasing our first home when, in reality, we're paralyzed with fear and trepidation over the cost, investment, and time it takes to buy and maintain a house. I'll casually mention our plans for family, likely spinning it to make it sound like we've chosen not to have children yet, either because we're considering adoption or because we think it might be more socially-conscious to abstain from bringing another mouth to feed into this world. When, in reality, I have a pretty messed up reproductive system and this month I, like an adolescent, celebrated my first "normal" period in over a year! I'll mention some plan we have for the future: hoping to vacation (even though we'll have to spend our vacation fund on taxes this year), visiting with family (even though we might not be able to take the time from work to do so) , or running a marathon (even though we haven't run in over a month). I like to talk about the future. It feels hopeful and light. I'll try to turn it back to you, here, and find a way to include you in my future plans. When can we get together? When can we hang out? It has been too long.

I REALLY do hope we'll talk again SOON and I REALLY do wish you all my BEST (even if I don't feel like it is all that great).

~Phoenix