My Year In Maybe's

This month's blog: a stream of thoughts, maybes, what ifs, if onlys, etc. from my last year. It is my first attempt at a "slam poetry" type thing.

Happy reading!
~Phoenix

Maybe I should...
Gain weight? Loose weight? Exercise more? Exercise less? Drink this weird-disgusting-nasty herbal tea? Drink less alcohol? Drink less caffeine? Drink more water? Drink from only a straw? Eat more carbs? Eat less carbs? Eat different carbs? Forget about carbs all together? Have more sex? Have less sex? Wrap my legs around my head...After sex? Before sex? During sex? Relax? Chill out? De-stress? Do more yoga? Stand on my head? See a Dr.? See a different Dr.? See a naturapath? See an acupuncturist? See a surgeon? See a therapist? See a chiropractor? See a specialist? Stop seeing Doctors all together? Go back on the pill? Take this other pill? Take this handful of pills? Stop taking pills all together? Eat red meat? Go vegan? Stop eating soy? Add fats? Go totally organic? Chew only on the right side of my mouth? Adopt? Have dogs? Move to Bermuda? Seek a surrogate? Work more? Take my temperature at a different time? Check my mucus again? Stop checking my mucus? Throw away the Basal thermometer? Pee on another stick?

What if...
I'm really sick? It really IS all in my head? This never goes away? He leaves me? She calls to tell me shes pregnant? I always have to work the late shift? I caused this? I could change this? I am controlling this? I'm not meant to have kids? I'm supposed to be a career woman? I'm destined for something else? I have cancer? A tumor? A virus? An infection? An unformed twin? We bought stock in Kotex?

If only...
Someone would really listen to me! People would stop asking if I had kids! I could get-a-job-to-get-insurance-to-figure-out-whats-wrong-and-fix-what's-wrong
-to-get-pregnant-to-leave-the-job-to-raise-a-family! If we had socialized health care! Strangers would stop telling me about the way THEY got pregnant! Others would stop telling us that "we're ready" for kids! I could just stop thinking about this! I could feel normal for one month! I'd been a more informed teenager! My sister lived on this coast! I had a different schema for the age you are "supposed" to be to have kids! We'd of known how hard it was to get pregnant...we'd of had more sex in college!